Archive | March, 2012

All the day long, I won’t be shaken by drought or storm

26 Mar

I’m trying not to be shaken by the whole adoption process. It’s been long…yes I knew that. It’s been full of tears. Tear of sadness when we lost our income and thought we were going to have to put a hold on the adoption. Tears of joy when we got a loan for the amount of the adoption (wonder about the progress of that since we didn’t adopt immediately). Tears of sadness when our hearts were crushed after a birth mom chose to parent the child I cared for for 36hours. Yes she carried him for 9months but being lied to hurts…

Right now its tears of frustration. I can’t imagine how it feels to have infertility problems. But right now I feel kinda like we have infertility problems…we are waiting on something we can’t control. Something we can’t fix! It’s also frustrating to have people not call you back or answer your emails. It’s hard to encourage others to being their process when you feel like this…given time I too will heal from these scars but in the meantime I will keep emailing and calling those whom we are paying lots of money to walk us through this process because I feel like I am dragging them and begging them to do the next step for us. 

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I’m not who I was…

22 Mar

I am currently reading Surprised By Grace by Tullian Tchividjian.  It is a great book so far.  It is following the story of Jonah and drawing the parallel between it and the lives of every person in the world.  I see so much of myself in Jonah at times.  I can look back on the past year or so of my life and see where I totally identify with the events that played out in Jonah’s life as well as the events that other characters in the story experienced as well.  

There are times where I identify with the sailors on the ship to Tarshish.  They were caught in a storm that was a result of someone else’s sin.  There had to have been a point for those sailors where they thought to themselves, “For real?! I am having to go through this because of this guy who has stowed away on our ship?  This is crazy.”  And to some extent they would be justified in that response.  However, I love what Tullian writes.  He states, “Ultimately it doesn’t matter whether your affliction is your fault or someone else’s.  You need not blame others or live under the guilt of self-blame.  The real question is: Are you responding by crying to the Lord for deliverance?”  I love it!  How true!  There were times over the past year when I asked God why He was leading me through what we were going through. However, I can now look back and see that I was missing, or glazing over, the answer within the actual question.  He was leading me through it!  It was what God wanted me to go through in order to prepare me for the place I am now.  Tullian relates what one of his friends wrote, “If we are really seeking to serve God, we will be willing to wait on Him through the darkness, so that when it lifts, He will have turned a lump of coal into a shining diamond, so that we will have a peace, an unflappability, and a strength that we did not have before and would not have had if we had not gone through the darkness.”

We won’t reach a point where God stops molding us until we are face-to-face with him at the edge of eternity.  How could we think then that God would not possibly take us through some difficult times in order to shape us more into the image of His Son, Jesus.  I can look back and see that I am not who I was just a year ago, but that is a great thing.  I want to be constantly moving more and more into a deeper relationship with my Savior and thereby into His image.